January 17, 2011

A new year, a new me; or at least this is what I hope to accomplish.

I've decided that this year I'm trying to be a new and different me. I'm going to try and be a more positive person and then of course I'm trying to lose weight and keep my health under control so that, hopefully, I can have another chance of being a mother sometime soon.

These past few months have been the hardest of my entire life, but I know that I can get through them (that's the part about being more positive ;). Please, don't misunderstand me, these are  not my new year resolutions. I don't believe in making them because I think that making a new years resolution is an automatic way to make sure that you don't follow through with the goals that you've set for yourself. So a long time ago I decided that I wasn't going to make resolutions anymore, but I was going to keep setting realistic goals.

I'm determined to change my life this year and change it for the better. I'm tired of seeing the lives of those I love and being sad or jealous. I have a wonderful friend, who has always been there for me when I've needed her and lately I've been so jealous of her that it's been difficult for me to be happy for her even though I am. And it's not that I'm not happy for her, I sad and disappointed and jealous that she's getting to have something that I was taken from me, but I am still very happy for her, sometimes it's just difficult. But one thing I'm determined to change this year is that kind of thinking.

Though this probably isn't the best place to stop for now, it's the best that I can think of.

'Til later

Review of Chazown by Craig Groeschel

This is a spectacular book, I highly recommend it to everyone, but especially to people that believe they have a purpose on this Earth, but are having a hard time realizing what that purpose is. If you have ever heard Craig preach you'll understand these next comments (if you haven't I highly recommend that you hear him preach). Craig writes the exact same way he preaches; when you're reading Chazown it is like Craig is standing in front of you talking to you, specifically.

Chazown is not a difficult book to read, but it definitely makes you think, and not just about everyday situations, but about your life. Reading certain parts of the book can make you uncomfortable in your own skin, but it's well worth it because you learn so much about yourself. Each chapter and section of the book has its own purpose and Craig does not deviate from the purpose of that section and when that sections purpose is finished he moves on. It is really easy to decipher exactly what you're reading about and not get confused.

Wonderful book and I am so glad that I read it, because reading it helped me to learn a little about myself. Again, I highly recommend Chazown to everyone, but especially those who are walking around still looking for their purpose.

FTC Disclaimer: I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review

Starting Over

So I believe this is my first post since I lost the baby and I'm glad to update that I'm doing better. I have my moments and I have my days. My days, for some reason, seem to be at church. I can't get through a service without crying and I'm not sure why, but it's almost a comforting cry like I know that I'm being comforted and that eventually everything will be fine. I also have my moments though, however, I am glad to report that those are few and far between. However, I wasn't able to go to one of my best friend's baby showers because I thought it would be way too difficult. I have a lot of friends that are either pregnant or just had a baby and I'm really happy for them, but it makes me so sad too. I can't help but think what if I don't get another chance. I wonder if my life can be complete without being able to raise children or a child even. I don't know and I don't know how I'll feel if I don't get the chance, but I'll cross that bridge if/when it gets here.

On to new and better things. I've gone back to school to get my masters. I'm going to Walden University and it's an online program in Forensic Psychology - Mental Health Applications. I'm really excited to be doing this stuff again and having a goal and all, but I'm really out of practice. Today I had to write a two page paper and I thought that it was going to kill me. It ended up taking me like 3 1/2 hours which is a long time for a two page paper when its me writing it. In fact it was so frustrating that I wanted to give up and not continue on with the program, that's how bad it is. But I started this program for a couple reasons. The first being that I want to make a better life myself and my husband and hopefully one day our family. The second is because since I lost the baby I've been at home moping around and I decided that I needed a goal, something to keep my mind busy so I don't have to continuously think about what I've been going through the last few months.

On a good note I had my A1C tested again about a month ago and I'm very proud to report that it is down to 5.7% which is what the A1C of someone without diabetes is, so I'm very, very proud of myself. I've also lost about 15 pounds which I'm also proud of myself for. I'm doing a good job keeping my blood sugar down and I'm getting in at least 20 - 30 minutes of exercise about 5 - 6 days a week which will help with the weight. The doctors told me that if I could get my A1C down to 6 or 7% it would lower my chance of miscarriage the next time by about 95% and getting some of the weight off will help too. So I'm excited about all of the changes that I'm making in my life. I'm working on my masters degree which I will have in May 2012 which I'm absolutely ecstatic about, now if only I can have the one thing that I want more than anything....

I guess we'll see...

'Til later

Getting Through It...

So it's been almost 2 months since I lost the baby and I can say that even though I have my bad days, it's not hard every day anymore. I'm making it through it somehow. I'm not going to say that they're aren't hard days because there are, but on an everyday basis I'm doing better. I was reading something a few weeks ago that really helped. It said that when God takes something away from you, it's because he's preparing you for something greater and for some reason that really resonated with me. That little quote there has helped me sooo much.

Last Sunday was a really difficult day for me. First we went to church, which we hadn't been since before the miscarriage, and that was really difficult, I cried throughout most of the worship and then I kind of felt better. Where is a better place to cry when something is bothering except somewhere where you know no matter what you're loved. And then afterward we went to Megan's daughter Maddy's first birthday party which was really hard too, because there were babies there and it made me sad. Then the other day I had another hard moment because I realized that next week would be when would have found out the sex of the baby. I think that was the hardest of them all because I was so looking forward to that day, but like I said I'm getting through day by day.

On another note, my diabetes is under control and in November they'll be able to check my A1C again and if it's lower then I might be able to start trying to get pregnant again, which excites me.

Looking for a job is awful. I can't seem to find one no matter what I do and I'm getting really discouraged :( I just don't understand, it used to take nothing for me to find a job. I hope it just has to do with the economy. It's probably that or the fact that I stopped working for  quite a while to concentrate on school, since I was having problems doing both. Oh well, I guess when I find the one I'm supposed to have I'll get it.

'Til next time...

The Worst Day of My Life

August 18th, that was the worst day of my life. It was that day that I found out that I lost my baby not long after my first ultrasound (which at the ultrasound I found out that I was actually only 6 weeks along not 11). Apparently the baby just stopped growing and now I have to a DNC to get rid of the remains. It's so hard to think about my baby as the remains that they're going to be getting rid of. This has been the hardest 2 days of my life, I start crying at the drop of a hat, I don't want to be around people, I don't want to talk to anyone I just want to be by myself and cry all day long. I don't understand why this had to happen to me. Logically I know that I did nothing wrong and that there was nothing that I could have done to have stopped it from happening, but the illogical side of me keeps wondering what I did to kill my baby. All I want is for everything to be back the way it was. I had to put all the baby things up along with the pregnancy tests and the ultrasound pictures and the sticky note that I had been writing stuff down on like who I told first and stuff like that I just can't deal with seeing any of it. As I'm sitting here writing this I can't keep from crying. I want to feel better but I don't know how. I've been spending every day depressed it's almost like I'm here, but I'm not. I want to believe that I'm just watching some horrible movie or story that is happening to someone else and that my baby is still alive and moving and growing inside of me, but it's not and I can't handle it when I think about it. It's just so unfair... I wanted that baby more than anything in my life and it was taken from me and I want someone to be mad at, I want someone to yell at and ask why. But there's no one to be mad at, no one to yell at, and no one to ask why. The only explanation I can come up with is illogical, but it's all I can figure, it's my fault. How else could it have happened, I had to have done something at some point in my life that would cause my baby to die while growing, just a few days after the heart had started beating. I just want everything to go back to normal, I want my baby, I want to be happy again. There have been a few moments that I have been in a good, happy mood since Wednesday, but it just feels so wrong to be in a good mood. I feel like I'm betraying my baby, it just doesn't feel right to be happy, I feel like I should be depressed for the rest of my life. What kind of good mother could be in a good mood after something like this? I want to know why I can't  get through this, all I want is to understand, but I don't know how, I don't know what could possibly be the reason for taking my baby from me. I feel like I've let me and Jeremy down, what if I can't get pregnant again, what if this baby was our only chance and it was taken from me. What am I going to do then? I had never thought that I could love someone as much as I love my baby and now it's gone. I will never get to see my baby or hold my baby or kiss my baby and it tears me up inside. I just want to scream...

♥11 weeks♥

Well today I am exactly 11 weeks and couldn't be more excited. My first ultrasound is tomorrow at 3:30 and I can't wait to see my little ♥peanut♥ for the very first time ever :) I am so super glad that so far everything in this pregnancy is going so well. I haven't had much morning sickness, just a little nausea. And I can still eat anything except onions that is and I'm also not really having any weird cravings. The only thing that I've really been craving are avocados and a chicken quesadilla from Taco Bell, mmmm!:)

♥10 weeks 6 days♥

Alright so this is week 10 day 6, almost to the 11th week. Getting closer and closer to the 2nd trimester and I'm so excited. I've got my first appointment and ultrasound this week and I absolutely can't wait. So far this pregnancy has been really wonderful to me. I never really had a traditional bout of morning sickness, I only got nauseous a few times but I never vomited. Not to mention that I only really got nauseous when I ate onions, which I still try to avoid just in case. The needing to pee all the time is awful, it's about every 45 minutes to an hour and if it's this bad now I don't even want to think what it'll be like further down the road. I'm so excited about the ultrasound this week, I can't wait to see my little peanut for the first time, even if it is only the size of a prune :) I really can't wait until I'm far enough along to find out what I'm having so that I can say he or she or him or her instead of it. I also don't really have a preference right now either as long as the baby is healthy, healthy is all that matters to me.


Here are some 10 week 6 day pictures, please forgive me for being fat :)

The job hunt is going, I wish I could say that it was going well. I heard from AT&T, they sent me a run of the mill, non-personalized post card informing me that they were going to look at other candidates. They might as well have sent a piece of paper that said "YOU SUCK", because that's exactly what it felt like. Hopefully, I'll hear something about the other interview I did last week. I also have to go and take some tests for the state this week or next. Maybe I'll get a state job, that'd be nice. Actually, at this point anything would be nice...

'Til next time