Friday, August 20, 2010

The Worst Day of My Life

August 18th, that was the worst day of my life. It was that day that I found out that I lost my baby not long after my first ultrasound (which at the ultrasound I found out that I was actually only 6 weeks along not 11). Apparently the baby just stopped growing and now I have to a DNC to get rid of the remains. It's so hard to think about my baby as the remains that they're going to be getting rid of. This has been the hardest 2 days of my life, I start crying at the drop of a hat, I don't want to be around people, I don't want to talk to anyone I just want to be by myself and cry all day long. I don't understand why this had to happen to me. Logically I know that I did nothing wrong and that there was nothing that I could have done to have stopped it from happening, but the illogical side of me keeps wondering what I did to kill my baby. All I want is for everything to be back the way it was. I had to put all the baby things up along with the pregnancy tests and the ultrasound pictures and the sticky note that I had been writing stuff down on like who I told first and stuff like that I just can't deal with seeing any of it. As I'm sitting here writing this I can't keep from crying. I want to feel better but I don't know how. I've been spending every day depressed it's almost like I'm here, but I'm not. I want to believe that I'm just watching some horrible movie or story that is happening to someone else and that my baby is still alive and moving and growing inside of me, but it's not and I can't handle it when I think about it. It's just so unfair... I wanted that baby more than anything in my life and it was taken from me and I want someone to be mad at, I want someone to yell at and ask why. But there's no one to be mad at, no one to yell at, and no one to ask why. The only explanation I can come up with is illogical, but it's all I can figure, it's my fault. How else could it have happened, I had to have done something at some point in my life that would cause my baby to die while growing, just a few days after the heart had started beating. I just want everything to go back to normal, I want my baby, I want to be happy again. There have been a few moments that I have been in a good, happy mood since Wednesday, but it just feels so wrong to be in a good mood. I feel like I'm betraying my baby, it just doesn't feel right to be happy, I feel like I should be depressed for the rest of my life. What kind of good mother could be in a good mood after something like this? I want to know why I can't  get through this, all I want is to understand, but I don't know how, I don't know what could possibly be the reason for taking my baby from me. I feel like I've let me and Jeremy down, what if I can't get pregnant again, what if this baby was our only chance and it was taken from me. What am I going to do then? I had never thought that I could love someone as much as I love my baby and now it's gone. I will never get to see my baby or hold my baby or kiss my baby and it tears me up inside. I just want to scream...

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

♥11 weeks♥

Well today I am exactly 11 weeks and couldn't be more excited. My first ultrasound is tomorrow at 3:30 and I can't wait to see my little ♥peanut♥ for the very first time ever :) I am so super glad that so far everything in this pregnancy is going so well. I haven't had much morning sickness, just a little nausea. And I can still eat anything except onions that is and I'm also not really having any weird cravings. The only thing that I've really been craving are avocados and a chicken quesadilla from Taco Bell, mmmm!:)

Monday, August 2, 2010

♥10 weeks 6 days♥

Alright so this is week 10 day 6, almost to the 11th week. Getting closer and closer to the 2nd trimester and I'm so excited. I've got my first appointment and ultrasound this week and I absolutely can't wait. So far this pregnancy has been really wonderful to me. I never really had a traditional bout of morning sickness, I only got nauseous a few times but I never vomited. Not to mention that I only really got nauseous when I ate onions, which I still try to avoid just in case. The needing to pee all the time is awful, it's about every 45 minutes to an hour and if it's this bad now I don't even want to think what it'll be like further down the road. I'm so excited about the ultrasound this week, I can't wait to see my little peanut for the first time, even if it is only the size of a prune :) I really can't wait until I'm far enough along to find out what I'm having so that I can say he or she or him or her instead of it. I also don't really have a preference right now either as long as the baby is healthy, healthy is all that matters to me.
Here are some 10 week 6 day pictures, please forgive me for being fat :)

The job hunt is going, I wish I could say that it was going well. I heard from AT&T, they sent me a run of the mill, non-personalized post card informing me that they were going to look at other candidates. They might as well have sent a piece of paper that said "YOU SUCK", because that's exactly what it felt like. Hopefully, I'll hear something about the other interview I did last week. I also have to go and take some tests for the state this week or next. Maybe I'll get a state job, that'd be nice. Actually, at this point anything would be nice...

'Til next time