Starting Over

So I believe this is my first post since I lost the baby and I'm glad to update that I'm doing better. I have my moments and I have my days. My days, for some reason, seem to be at church. I can't get through a service without crying and I'm not sure why, but it's almost a comforting cry like I know that I'm being comforted and that eventually everything will be fine. I also have my moments though, however, I am glad to report that those are few and far between. However, I wasn't able to go to one of my best friend's baby showers because I thought it would be way too difficult. I have a lot of friends that are either pregnant or just had a baby and I'm really happy for them, but it makes me so sad too. I can't help but think what if I don't get another chance. I wonder if my life can be complete without being able to raise children or a child even. I don't know and I don't know how I'll feel if I don't get the chance, but I'll cross that bridge if/when it gets here.

On to new and better things. I've gone back to school to get my masters. I'm going to Walden University and it's an online program in Forensic Psychology - Mental Health Applications. I'm really excited to be doing this stuff again and having a goal and all, but I'm really out of practice. Today I had to write a two page paper and I thought that it was going to kill me. It ended up taking me like 3 1/2 hours which is a long time for a two page paper when its me writing it. In fact it was so frustrating that I wanted to give up and not continue on with the program, that's how bad it is. But I started this program for a couple reasons. The first being that I want to make a better life myself and my husband and hopefully one day our family. The second is because since I lost the baby I've been at home moping around and I decided that I needed a goal, something to keep my mind busy so I don't have to continuously think about what I've been going through the last few months.

On a good note I had my A1C tested again about a month ago and I'm very proud to report that it is down to 5.7% which is what the A1C of someone without diabetes is, so I'm very, very proud of myself. I've also lost about 15 pounds which I'm also proud of myself for. I'm doing a good job keeping my blood sugar down and I'm getting in at least 20 - 30 minutes of exercise about 5 - 6 days a week which will help with the weight. The doctors told me that if I could get my A1C down to 6 or 7% it would lower my chance of miscarriage the next time by about 95% and getting some of the weight off will help too. So I'm excited about all of the changes that I'm making in my life. I'm working on my masters degree which I will have in May 2012 which I'm absolutely ecstatic about, now if only I can have the one thing that I want more than anything....

I guess we'll see...

'Til later

Getting Through It...

So it's been almost 2 months since I lost the baby and I can say that even though I have my bad days, it's not hard every day anymore. I'm making it through it somehow. I'm not going to say that they're aren't hard days because there are, but on an everyday basis I'm doing better. I was reading something a few weeks ago that really helped. It said that when God takes something away from you, it's because he's preparing you for something greater and for some reason that really resonated with me. That little quote there has helped me sooo much.

Last Sunday was a really difficult day for me. First we went to church, which we hadn't been since before the miscarriage, and that was really difficult, I cried throughout most of the worship and then I kind of felt better. Where is a better place to cry when something is bothering except somewhere where you know no matter what you're loved. And then afterward we went to Megan's daughter Maddy's first birthday party which was really hard too, because there were babies there and it made me sad. Then the other day I had another hard moment because I realized that next week would be when would have found out the sex of the baby. I think that was the hardest of them all because I was so looking forward to that day, but like I said I'm getting through day by day.

On another note, my diabetes is under control and in November they'll be able to check my A1C again and if it's lower then I might be able to start trying to get pregnant again, which excites me.

Looking for a job is awful. I can't seem to find one no matter what I do and I'm getting really discouraged :( I just don't understand, it used to take nothing for me to find a job. I hope it just has to do with the economy. It's probably that or the fact that I stopped working for  quite a while to concentrate on school, since I was having problems doing both. Oh well, I guess when I find the one I'm supposed to have I'll get it.

'Til next time...

The Worst Day of My Life

August 18th, that was the worst day of my life. It was that day that I found out that I lost my baby not long after my first ultrasound (which at the ultrasound I found out that I was actually only 6 weeks along not 11). Apparently the baby just stopped growing and now I have to a DNC to get rid of the remains. It's so hard to think about my baby as the remains that they're going to be getting rid of. This has been the hardest 2 days of my life, I start crying at the drop of a hat, I don't want to be around people, I don't want to talk to anyone I just want to be by myself and cry all day long. I don't understand why this had to happen to me. Logically I know that I did nothing wrong and that there was nothing that I could have done to have stopped it from happening, but the illogical side of me keeps wondering what I did to kill my baby. All I want is for everything to be back the way it was. I had to put all the baby things up along with the pregnancy tests and the ultrasound pictures and the sticky note that I had been writing stuff down on like who I told first and stuff like that I just can't deal with seeing any of it. As I'm sitting here writing this I can't keep from crying. I want to feel better but I don't know how. I've been spending every day depressed it's almost like I'm here, but I'm not. I want to believe that I'm just watching some horrible movie or story that is happening to someone else and that my baby is still alive and moving and growing inside of me, but it's not and I can't handle it when I think about it. It's just so unfair... I wanted that baby more than anything in my life and it was taken from me and I want someone to be mad at, I want someone to yell at and ask why. But there's no one to be mad at, no one to yell at, and no one to ask why. The only explanation I can come up with is illogical, but it's all I can figure, it's my fault. How else could it have happened, I had to have done something at some point in my life that would cause my baby to die while growing, just a few days after the heart had started beating. I just want everything to go back to normal, I want my baby, I want to be happy again. There have been a few moments that I have been in a good, happy mood since Wednesday, but it just feels so wrong to be in a good mood. I feel like I'm betraying my baby, it just doesn't feel right to be happy, I feel like I should be depressed for the rest of my life. What kind of good mother could be in a good mood after something like this? I want to know why I can't  get through this, all I want is to understand, but I don't know how, I don't know what could possibly be the reason for taking my baby from me. I feel like I've let me and Jeremy down, what if I can't get pregnant again, what if this baby was our only chance and it was taken from me. What am I going to do then? I had never thought that I could love someone as much as I love my baby and now it's gone. I will never get to see my baby or hold my baby or kiss my baby and it tears me up inside. I just want to scream...

♥11 weeks♥

Well today I am exactly 11 weeks and couldn't be more excited. My first ultrasound is tomorrow at 3:30 and I can't wait to see my little ♥peanut♥ for the very first time ever :) I am so super glad that so far everything in this pregnancy is going so well. I haven't had much morning sickness, just a little nausea. And I can still eat anything except onions that is and I'm also not really having any weird cravings. The only thing that I've really been craving are avocados and a chicken quesadilla from Taco Bell, mmmm!:)

♥10 weeks 6 days♥

Alright so this is week 10 day 6, almost to the 11th week. Getting closer and closer to the 2nd trimester and I'm so excited. I've got my first appointment and ultrasound this week and I absolutely can't wait. So far this pregnancy has been really wonderful to me. I never really had a traditional bout of morning sickness, I only got nauseous a few times but I never vomited. Not to mention that I only really got nauseous when I ate onions, which I still try to avoid just in case. The needing to pee all the time is awful, it's about every 45 minutes to an hour and if it's this bad now I don't even want to think what it'll be like further down the road. I'm so excited about the ultrasound this week, I can't wait to see my little peanut for the first time, even if it is only the size of a prune :) I really can't wait until I'm far enough along to find out what I'm having so that I can say he or she or him or her instead of it. I also don't really have a preference right now either as long as the baby is healthy, healthy is all that matters to me.


Here are some 10 week 6 day pictures, please forgive me for being fat :)

The job hunt is going, I wish I could say that it was going well. I heard from AT&T, they sent me a run of the mill, non-personalized post card informing me that they were going to look at other candidates. They might as well have sent a piece of paper that said "YOU SUCK", because that's exactly what it felt like. Hopefully, I'll hear something about the other interview I did last week. I also have to go and take some tests for the state this week or next. Maybe I'll get a state job, that'd be nice. Actually, at this point anything would be nice...

'Til next time

♥Pregnant♥

Yes, you read the title correctly, I am expecting a wonderful bundle of joy in around 7 months. The due date may change when I go to the doctor next week for my first appointment, but as of right now (from my calculations) my expected due date is February 21, 2011. I am so super excited, finding out that I'm finally going to be a mommy was the most wonderful day of my life. The only thing that I can think that is going to be more perfect is when I welcome my wonderful little peanut into the world. 





So, it's been quite awhile since I've posted something on here and I wish that I could say that I had a good reason, but I really don't. Life has been at the most mundane, nothing to greatly interesting has happening. I've decided though that because of the pregnancy thing that I'm going to have to put my GRE as well as graduate school off for some time. I wish that  I didn't have to, but I think it's going to be best especially with my peanut being due in February. 


I feel like my entire life has changed (and I guess it actually has) since I found out that I was pregnant. Everything in life seems so much more wonderful, but at the same time almost all I can do is worry. Worry about my peanut, worry about making sure that we get everything that peanut needs, worry about what kind of mother I'm going to be. I mean I've always been a worrier, but now it's gotten even worse. I've been worried about finding a job, which is coming along finally. I've had two interviews with different companies and am now waiting to hear something back. Both are great jobs with wonderful benefits, however I am hoping for one over the other because of the pregnancy thing. One of the jobs has a 5 week training program and if you are absent or tardy even once they will fire you on the spot and that just seems kind of dangerous being ♥pregnant♥ and all. So hopefully the job situation will be taken care of quickly.


On a different note, finally after 5 years of being together and 3 years of marriage I finally met most of my husband's family. My husband is lucky because his huge family has a reunion every year and this year we were actually able to go. Did I mention that I'm a worrier, because I am and everyday until the day we went and I finally met his family I worried about whether or not they would like me. First off, I'd like to say that his family is absolutely wonderful. They are so friendly and sweet and the most caring people of anyone new to the family that I have ever met. We had a wonderful day, well for at least as long as we were there because I started feeling nauseous which we later found out was because I was of course ♥pregnant♥! Anyway I had a great time and met some wonderful people that I can't wait to see again next year, so that I'm able to introduce them to my peanut.


Sunday is mine and Jeremy's 3rd wedding anniversary. It's so difficult to believe that we've been married for 3 years, but at the same time it doesn't feel like it's been 3 years. I never thought I would find a man that was a complete match for me and I did and I thank God for him every day. 

I'm going to try and blog at least once a week about mine and peanut's journey together, hopefully it actually happens. 


So as I'm about to finish this and probably go to sleep I'm going to leave with one final thing: baby names!!


So we've got names picked out for both a boy and a girl (I love both names so I'm sticking with them no matter what):


Girl: Alirece (Ali-reece) Desiree Makenzi
Boy: Kamren Blayne


'Til next time


♥Shanae♥

Rainy and Boring

I feel like I have done absolutely nothing today. I hate rain, it makes me want to sleep. I have to make myself a schedule to go by throughout the summer so that I just don't waste away each and every day, kind of like I did today. I'm thinking of including exercise time, Bible reading time, GRE studying time, swim time (once I get the pool up and ready), cleaning time, and then just goof off time. Again though, I'm just not motivated to do any of it. I've also realized that in this so called schedule that I need to be making that I need to include a list of like 10 words that I don't know well and make sure that I learn their definition and in ways that they can be used.


I just saw a bird fly off with a worm in its mouth. Sometimes I wish that I could fly, it could be fun. Okay, not very long this time, but I need to try and get a few things done. 'Til next time...

Saturdays

Saturdays are absolutely days to love. They are a time to rest and relax and just spend time with those that you love and care about. I love Saturdays, however, they really are not great days for me to actually get a lot of things done. For instance, today I woke up and went and got Angel Food with my one and only and then we came back to the house. I put the food away and he cleaned the kitchen and then started lunch (the kitchen needs to be cleaned again). After lunch I got to spend time with my bestest (yes, I know bestest is not a word, but it is the best way to explain her) friend in the whole world. It is nice to have a friend where you do not have to worry about what you say. I sometimes have a condition called Foot in Mouth Syndrome and with her I don't have to worry about my syndrome. HaHa. 


On a kind of but not really related subject, actually it really is not related at all. Anyway. Last night I was working in my GRE study guide and low and behold I found out that I suck at analogies. That book has also made me realize that the somewhat large vocabulary that I thought I have, I really do not, which is upsetting. I have decided that I'm going to take my time through this study guide and do the practice tests and then possibly go through a different study guide. Hopefully, after all of this my scores on the practice tests will go up and I will feel like they are sufficient enough to go spend $150 on a test. 


In other news I love my new puppy named Luci. She is adorable, except she has a whining problem, but in trying to be fair what puppy does not whine a lot. Luci has a sister named Lola that I am watching for my bestest friend until her and her fiance move out of their apartment. Luci and Lola are so cute together, I think we need to find a photographer that takes pictures of animals and take Lola and Luci to get pictures made. HaHa, wouldn't that be fun?

Unmotivated

So here is part 2 of my ramblings. 

I've only been awake for a not even an hour because of the stupid storm last night. It's so ridiculous, I'm 25 years old and still hate thunderstorms. It's not the rain or the lightning that bother me, but the thunder how pathetic, I know. So here I am not even having been awake for an hour trying to decide what to make of my day and I have no want to do anything. I need to be studying for the GRE. I need to be cleaning and doing laundry. I need to exercising so I don't look like a fat blob anymore. I need to be doing all sorts of stuff, but I have no want or no motivation to do any of it. It's so weird, but I think that without school I don't have the motivation to do anything, hopefully though I'll find the motivation. Oh by the way, allergies SUCK. Just had a 5 minute sneezing fit. 

Ever wonder what it would be like to be an animal. As I'm sitting here writing this I'm watching my dog named Chill lying on the couch sleeping and a squirrel outside my front door foraging for food. They both it seem like lying around doing nothing is okay, I wish I could feel that way. I really love watching squirrels because even with a brain as small as theirs they are so smart. It's amazing the way nature tells them to do things. I know weird ramblings. Thinking that way about squirrels and lots of other animals comes from the fact that I took Comparative Psychology a couple semesters ago which is supposed to be using animal behavior to predict human behavior but instead we just learned biology about animals, so as useless as I think that class was now I have a deeper understanding of animals. 

I'm really glad that I entitled this blog ramblings because it means that I can sit here and talk about absolutely nothing without any consequences. 

So apparently there is an alumni meeting coming up at my high school to talk about ways to save the school. I graduated from a school that you can associate with being an "intercity" school and they have had the lowest test scores for the last decade. Yes, including when I was there, hard to believe, huh? :) But anyway, at this meeting my fellow alumnus (anyone from the first graduating class in 1959 to the graduating class of 2010) are going to be working with the principal to set up motivational assemblies and mentor time for next year using the successful graduates as the speakers and mentors. I think that this is a good idea, living in a city teenagers get mixed up about what is really important in their lives and so sometimes they need help getting back on the right track. The problem I have is I don't think that any of us that have graduated within the last decade have any business being up there talking about success because none of us have had the time to become successful, I mean I'm just now getting my life on the right track. Another problem I have is everyone thinking that the low test scores are just because the students don't want to learn. I'm sorry, I think a lot of the blame lies on the teachers and the rest of the faculty. I went there and a lot of the teachers that were there when I was there are still there today and they don't want to be. I didn't get the education I deserve and it wasn't because I didn't want to learn it's because no one gave it to me. Yes, I graduated as one of the top of my class with a 3.97 gpa but that's only because the classes were a joke. I didn't have to study, hell, I didn't even have to try. Not even in my AP classes, now that is really sad. So while trying to motivate the kids is a good idea, it isn't going to solve the problem.

Well, now that you're bored to tears I'll stop rambling so maybe I can get motivated to get something done. Until the next time...

I wish....

I wish...

Ever wonder how to finish this statement. Ever wonder if the way you finish this statement will come true. Here are a few ways I'd finish this statement:

1. That I had started this blog before I had graduated.

2. That I didn't have to take the GRE.

3. That I could automatically go into the Counseling Psych program

4. That I didn't miss going to school :(

5. That I knew what I wanted to do with my life.

See what I mean, all these answers just lead to more questions and statements. This statement is never going to lead to something that I understand. It's so strange, one day I think that I know what I want to do with my life and the next I'm not so sure. For instance, for the last year I wanted to go into the forensic psychology program that UCO is trying to institute, but now I'm going to try to get into the Counseling program. I just think that I an do more good with counseling and all I've ever wanted to do with my life is something good for someone, the world, etc.

As for the GRE thing, it is the hardest, stupid test to study for. How do prepare for something that could have have any 200 of up to like 5,000 different vocabulary words on it, I mean really. Not to mention that I suck at math and the GRE is like the SAT, just math and verbal, oh and the analytical writing section, that is mostly just there to suck up time. UCO only expects you to get like a 900 on the stupid thing and I'm praying and hoping that I can do that.

As for wishing that I had started this blog before I had graduated, I really wish that I had because then I could have let out some frustration and anxiety. Graduating from college was one of the scariest things I have ever done, probably coming second to getting married with graduating from college running a close 3rd. It's something that you dream about and think about so much for such a long time that when it finally comes it's actually a little bittersweet. I mean on one hand, you're completely ecstatic that the day has finally come, but on the other you're wondering what you're going to do without having to go to lectures and write papers and take tests. I mean put it this way I graduated last Friday, May 7th and I'm already going nuts. I have to find something to do with my time, probably going to spend a lot of it studying for the GRE, yuck!

I'm looking for at least a part-time job so that I have time to work on the wonderful GRE stuff. Hopefully, having my B.A. will impress people and I'll find something at least halfway decent.

Okay, so I guess that is enough for today's ramblings, maybe tomorrow I'll have something more interesting to ramble about. :)